No Thanks Nurse Quatre
by N-chan
Summary: Quatre wakes up one morning to find that the other Gundam pilots are sick and decides to take it into his own hands to cure them. *contains some sounen ai hints and innuendos as well as Relena bashing and insanity - proceed with extreme caution ^^*


No Thanks Nurse Quatre  
By: N-chan  
*************************************************************************************  
Author's Note: Uh..they dun belong to me and such. Lessee, there's some Yaoi/shounen ai/slash (whichever you prefer to call it) hints and such in here…oh yeah, and Relena bashing and a psychotic Wufei (not that's he's not psychotic anyway), some other odd stuff. Just for laughs, crazy and strange.  
*************************************************************************************  
Quatre woke up to bright sunlight streaming through his window and a bird singing on the sill. 'Looks like It's going to be a beautiful day!' Quatre thought with a smile. Suddenly there was a loud crash of thunder and a flash of lightning, which hit the bird, reducing it to ashes, followed by a tree falling onto the telephone lines and catching on fire. Clouds covered up the sun and rain started falling. "Nevermind…" he said, pulling down the shade. He poked Trowa, who was still sleeping. "Oi, wake up sleepyhead! It's almost seven o'clock!" he caroled in his ever cheerful voice, despite the gloomy weather. When Trowa didn't stir, Quatre began to wonder. When he still didn't rise after a bucket of water, two blowhorns, a couple thousand pokes, and numerous other things that usually worked, Quatre was worried. "Trowa?" Quatre said, his voice wavering. A soaked Trowa finally looked up. "Aa?" he said in a quieter voice than usual. "What's wrong, are you sick?" Quatre asked in a worried voice. "Aa," Trowa said again, going back to sleep. "Well then, it's Nurse Quatre, to the rescue!" Quatre called, pointing his finger in the air.  
  
Quatre ran out of his and Trowa's room a little later, wearing a nurse outfit (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention - cross dressing too ^^) (What color, you ask? Pink of course!! ^^). He started going past Heero and Duo's room, but then decided to maybe ask their help. Or at least Duo's, Heero would be too busy doing whatever he did all the time on that laptop of his. He started to turn the knob, but then remembered what had happened the last time he'd gone into their room uninvited. He knocked on the door, waititng a few minutes and then knocking again. Still no answer. "I guess I'll have to go in," Quatre said to himself. He opened the door and walked in.  
  
The shades were drawn, like usual, and it looked like Heero and Duo were still sleeping. "That's weird, usually Heero's at least up. Duo doesn't get up until noon though, so its not peculiar that he's still in bed," Quatre muttered, going over to the bed. "Ne, Heero, why aren't you up yet? You're acting like Trowa." Quatre gasped. "You must be sick too! And I bet Duo is then too! That's okay, Nurse Quatre is here! I'll put all three of you in the infirmary and help you get better! Nurse Quatre to the rescue!!" Quatre yelled and ran out of the room. Heero, who had been awake the whole time, gave a groan. This could not be good…  
  
Quatre banged into Wufei's room, scaring the already awake Wufei shitless. "Winner! What the hell are you doing, banging in here like that!" Wufei blinked. "Winner, may I ask a question?" Wufei said, staring at the blonde haired Arabian with a weird look. "Yes, Wufei?" Quatre said. "Why in the seven hells are you wearing a nurse's outfit?"  
"Because I'm Nurse Quatre, rescuing sick Gundam pilots all throughout the Winner estate! Nurse Quatre, to the rescue!!" Quatre said proudly, his voice echoing. "Where'd that echo come from?" Wufei asked, looking around suspiciously. "I dunno, it always happens when I do that…" Quatre said in wonder. "More importantly, why do you have a nurse's outfit to begin with?" Quatre blushed crimson. "Nevermind, I don't even wanna know…" Wufei said, an ill look coming to his face. "Why are you still in bed, Wufei?" Quatre asked. "No reason. I'm definitely not sick, if that's what you think! Being sick is for onnas and weaklings! And I'm not either of those!" Wufei said, shifting his eyes around and not sounding sincere at all. "You are sick, aren't you Wufei? That's okay! Nurse Quatre will make you better! To the infirmary!" Quatre yelled and produced a rolling bed out of nowhere. He picked up the side of Wufei's bed and dumped him onto the rolling one. "I'm not sick! Being sick is for weaklings!!" Wufei yelled and then went into a coughing fit. "I'm so sorry, Nataku, I've failed you! I'm too weak to pilot such a wonderful Gundam as-" Wufei went into another coughing fit thank to his hysterical yelling, cutting off what he was saying. Quatre just sighed, shaking his head and wheeled Wufei to the infirmary.  
  
The other pilots were easier to get there. Trowa went along silently, Duo was still sleeping, and Heero just grumbled to himself as he was being taken away. Finally they were all in the infirmary with Quatre flitting about, making sure they were comfortable. "I'm not sick! I'm not weak! I'm definitely not an onna! I'm fine!! Fine I tell you!! I'm not weak!!" Wufei yelled from his bed, He thrashed around, trying to undo the straps holding him down. "I'm not weak! I'm not weak! I'm not, I tell you!!" he yelled, every once and awhile pausing in his hysterical screams for another coughing and gagging fit, then go right back into a yelling spree. Heero, who had told Quatre to get his laptop, was typing away like usual, grumbling, "The Perfect Soldier doesn't get sick, the Perfect soldier isn't weak, the Perfect Soldier doesn't get sick, the Perfect soldier isn't weak…"over and over, Trowa was just sitting quietly, reading, and Duo was, well, sleeping still.  
  
Suddenly, two unexpected things happened: 1)they all heard a voice they knew all too well scream "HEEEEEERO!!" and 2) Duo woke up. Relena came flying through the door of the infirmary, almost knocking Quatre over, who was drinking tea at an ornate table he'd pulled out of nowhere. "Did I have to wake up and see Relena first thing? And what the hell is she doing in mine and Hee-chan's room any - hey! Where am I?" Duo said, looking around. Relena got off the floor and finally figured out where Heero was. "HEEEERO!" she yelled and launched herself at his bed. Suddenly there was a gunshot and Relena was…engulfed in a net of spandex?? "So that's what's in that gun of yours…always wondered how you managed not to shoot yourself…" Duo said in wonder. "Hey wait, where did that gun come from? You're not wearing you spandex!" Heero shrugged and went back to typing. Relena bounced around in her spandex prison, her screaming muffled. "Can you do something about her? She's annoying me and it might affect how long it takes me to recover from this awful sickness," Duo said, pointing to Relena. Quatre nodded and picked up the bundle. He waddled over to the window and threw it out, where Rashid caught it and threw it into a box labeled: TO ABUDHABI. Quatre brushed off his hands and turned to Duo. "That good?" he asked. Duo nodded vigorously. "Duo, are you sick like everyone else?" Quatre asked. "I'm not sick! Being sick is for the weak! I'm strong! I-" Wufei fell off the bed. He was now hanging sideways off the bed, twisted up in the straps. "And I - I - I - I WANT TREIZE!!" Wufei wailed and went into a fit of hysterical weeping. The others blinked. "That was…new…" Heero said, going back to his laptop. "Um, Wu-man? Are you okay?" Duo asked with a funny look. Wufei, who was fine now, growled at him. "I'm fine, Maxwell. You're the one who's not okay!" he growled. Duo shrugged. "You aren't sick, are you?" Quatre said, more of a statement than a question. Duo hesitated. "You aren't! I knew it, I knew it! Now you can help me out!" Quatre chirped cheerily. "No! I am too sick! See?" Duo pretended to cough. "I'll let you give Heero his shot," Quatre said in a singsong voice. Duo jumped out of bed. "When can I start?" Duo asked, his eyes aglow. "Right now!" Quatre threw Duo a yellow nurse's outfit, who ran off to the other room to change. "Where are you getting those things, Winner?" Wufei said.  
There was a crash from the other room a bit later. Quatre ran over to see Duo standing in the middle of a mess wearing the yellow and white striped nurse outfit Quatre had given him. Duo sweat dropped. "Guess I dropped the tray," he said, laughing nervously, one hand behind his head. Quatre sighed. "That's okay! I'll just go get some more cough medicine fro Rashid!" he said brightly. "You clean up this mess and make sure everybody's comfortable while I'm gone, okay? Ta ta for now!" Quatre called, bouncing off.  
  
Duo got to cleaning up the mess. After he was done, he bounced into the other room. "What the hell?" Duo looked over to see Heero and Wufei gawking at him. "What?" Duo asked, looking at them. "Now they're both doing it!" Wufei cried and fell back onto his bed. "Duo, I have two questions," Heero said. "Yes Hee-chan?" Duo asked, looking innocently at him. "Thy the hell are you wearing a nurse's outfit!" he yelled. "Oh my God! Heero spoke in something other than a monotone!" Wufei yelled, sitting straight up in bed. They bother looked at him strangely. "I want Treize!" Wufei cried and dove under the covers. Duo turned back to Heero. "What's your second question?" Duo asked. "Does Quatre want that nurse outfit back, or can you keep it?" Wufei made a gurgling noise from under the covers. Trowa just calmly went on reading.  
  
Some time later, Quatre came back to an extremely quiet room. "What in the world? Why is it so quiet in here…" Quatre wondered out loud, turning on the lights. Wufei was still underneath his covers totally, but now sleeping peacefully. Trowa was sleeping normally, his book laying on the foot of his bed, and Heero and Duo were sleeping…together on Heero's bed, Duo still in his yellow nurse's outfit. "Huh, nothing abnormal…" Quatre said, turning the lights back off and going up to bed. "And so ends a perfect day!" Quatre said happily, curling up in his and Trowa's bed. Little did he know of what was going on back in the infirmary…  
  
"Okay, he's gone!" Duo hissed quietly, getting up and turning on the lights. "Good, I though he was going to stand there forever…" muttered Heero, rummaging around under his bed. "This is ridiculous," Wufei muttered from under his covers. Trowa continued sleeping. "Have you found it yet, Hee-chan?" Duo asked, going back over to where Heero was. "Almost," Heero said, going further under the bed and pulling out…"Yay! It's still there! Monopoly, the longest board game in history!" Duo caroled happily, taking the box from Heero and setting it on the floor. "And just why did we have to pretend to be sick and wait for him to go away to play monopoly?" Wufei asked, poking his head out from under the covers and giving Duo a look. "Well…" Duo hesitated. "Spill it, Maxwell, I demand to know why you forced us to go through this!" Duo sweat dropped. "Well you see, if we hadn't pretended to be sick, we would have had to play with him too…" Duo said, playing with the end of his braid. "Why do you care?" Wufei asked in annoyance. "Well…"   
"Spill it, Maxwell!"  
"Ano…"  
"Duo." Heero's voice broke in. "Just tell him, before he has a heart attack." Duo sighed. "Okay fine! I'll tell you! It's because…Quatre always uses the dog piece and that's my favorite one!!" Wufei blinked. "WHAT?!" he screamed, his voice echoing throughout the Winner estate. " I HAD TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT JUST SO YOU COULD PLAY AS THE DOG IN MONOPOLY? YOU'RE DEAD MAXWELL!!!" Wufei yelled and jumped out of bed, going after Duo. Duo dodged him easily and took off running, out of the infirmary and out the front door of the Winner estate, Wufei on his tail. Heero sighed and continued setting out the monopoly pieces on the board, knowing that Wufei probably wouldn't be able to catch Duo, even in a nurse's outfit. Trowa appeared beside him and sat on the floor, taking the car piece and setting on the board. "You were right," Trowa said to Heero. "Making Wufei go along with this too was the best way to get the dog piece for yourself." 


End file.
